I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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