Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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