We won't sleep together?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
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