I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
