Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Boobs are out for the taking
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
They are going to name an STD after you.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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