I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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