Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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