I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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