Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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