i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
