i think i have two assholes
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
