I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
