Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
