he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
