I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
