there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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