Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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