I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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