Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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