The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
