Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
