just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
