If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
