I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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