Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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