I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
