I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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