cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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