Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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