matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
