just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
