Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
