i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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