i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
