just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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