look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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