afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
