I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
