Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize