I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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