he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
