She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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