Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
