i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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