**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
