Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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