I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize