my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
