i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
