The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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