Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Your mouth is God's brothel.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
