Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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