If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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