five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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