i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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