I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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